I am CAR-T19

This is my fight song

This is my fight song

Like most cancer patients, scan time is anxiety-ridden. I’ve tried to explain it to my family that it’s like visiting a probation officer every 3/6/9 months…whenever it is…to learn my fate. For example, I’d love to plan a vacation, but will I be having treatment? I’d love to adopt a dog…but if I’m spending large chunks of time away from home, who will care for him? Sometimes thoughts are more morbid. Should I buy this sundress? Will I live to wear it? When I was originally diagnosed, I received some excellent advice from a doctor. Live in the moment. Take it a day at a time. At the time, I thought “save that hallmark card crap for someone else, buddy.” It took months for it to sink in. During a time of treatment, it’s sometimes difficult to find solace in one day at a time, when days are filled with doctor appoints, blood draws and all the unpleasantries to which a cancer patient is subjected. More often I think “these people are working to save my life.”

Thankfully for most people, these aren’t thoughts that are considered daily. I was one of those people, even after my cancer diagnosis. I had a lengthy remission during which I happily adopted 2 dogs and took many vacations and purchased many sundresses! This morning before my scan, I did a body inventory. Despite being too nervous to get much sleep last night, I felt pretty good. I reminded myself that I DO feel good. No matter what the results are, I feel okay and I’ll feel okay tomorrow too.

Since I am participating in a clinical trial, my scan was done in a new-to-me location. The procedure is the same, but the techs were different. I gave up trying to read the faces of my usual crew for clues or asking them to tell me the results (they won’t) a long time ago. Until today, I couldn’t help myself. I had schmoozed the tech or so I thought. Tried to be as charming and irresistible as possible. Casually ask “so how did it look?” which got “it takes awhile to process.” Slippery. I said “So you can tell me as I leave?”

“I can’t tell you anything. When do you see your doctor?”

I’ve had a complete response. 100% no metabolic activity. That IS my fight song, take back my life song. Prove I’m alright song. There have been many tears of joy today. My heart is full of gratitude.



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